Eldunari
by Liraeyn
Summary: A parody of all the stereotypical Book 4 fics out there. Includes noncanon/cliche pairings, the illegal author's note, and such.
1. Unlikely thoughts, unlikelier pairings

I do not own this. I do not even know why anyone would WANT to own the Inheritance Cycle.

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Author's note: No offense intended to all those of you who have written book 4 fics, but I need to vent on this. "The author" as referenced in the story, is not, in fact, me. It's a generic fanfiction writer, one of the many whom I am parodying.

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Eragon sits on the wall of Feinster, ignoring the fact that the Varden have probably left there by now, and that he is in plain sight of enemy assassins. Saphira somehow managed to fit on the wall, too, even though she is incredibly huge and would rather spend time hunting, or practicing her flying, or even eating the author for mixing tenses.

_Why do we have to kill all these people, Saphira? I know I already asked that question, and had it answered, but I'm just going to whine about it anyway. _

_I somehow find killing perfectly fine, but I'm just going to ignore that, because I have somehow decided to fall in love with you! I know we're different species, and as such that's not an option, but the author for some absurd reason thinks that we could, and has no self-restraint, and has shoved that opinion down everyone's minds. _

_Ah, Saphira, I wish I could, but I'm in love with... MURTAGH! Same exact reason. _

They started off to go fight, even though there is no way there will be any action in the first hundred pages or so.

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Author's note: I do not mean to insult anyone, really, but do I need to vent now and then. You may flame me, if you wish, but one of my criterion for flamers is that they have written at least one Inheritance Cycle fic, and another is that they actually make sense.


	2. Author's note

Author's note: Ignoring the fact that the guidelines ban this, I am making an entire chapter that is just an author's note. I will not be continuing this fic because some moron who doesn't even write or use proper grammar/spelling criticized me, or I have no stamina whatsoever, or my original plan for the story turns out to be different from what it wants to be now. I am getting your hopes up about something interesting to read, only to dash them with a stupid note. Goodbye!

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Real author's note: Just kidding. I can't stand it when people do this.


	3. Another pairing, battle scenarios

I do not own the Inheritance Cycle. The books would be a little shorter, methinks. And it wouldn't take so long for a new book to come out, which is probably why there are so many Book 4 fics out there for me to parody.

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Arya ran up to Eragon, throwing her arms about him and kissing him fiercely.

"Eragon! I love you so much! I need to marry you! Even though I'm way too old for you, and Elves don't marry, and you really shouldn't have to give up your beliefs when you fall in love, and it would be a huge distraction, and we really should wait until the war is over, I don't care, because I have suddenly decided to abandon everyone that's really counting on us!"

"Fine with me!"

They were married quite soon after, and Arya got pregnant right away, ignoring the fact that elves don't often have children, and as such it would take a lot longer, and then the entire story was put on hold while Eragon and Arya ran off and had a bunch of children.

V^V^V^V^V^V^V Unfeasible/Inconsistent amount of time later...

Scenario one: Murtagh shows up at the Varden, trying to kill Eragon, even though he's not supposed to, as it specifically says in the books, because somehow Galbatorix has managed to change known facts and ensure Saphira's survival upon Eragon's death, or has gone the other way entirely and screwed up diagnosing the gender of the remaining egg.

Arya and Eragon kill Murtagh, which Eragon is completely okay with, even though Murtagh is his friend and brother, and Saphira kills Thorn without any sort of sympathy, which is harsh, even for her. Roran disobeys another direct order, and Nasuada lets him off the hook, because there is somehow no reason for rules. Battle over.

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Scenario two: Murtagh shows up, having broken his true name with no concrete explanation how, and Thorn has done likewise. They give Zar'roc back to Eragon*, and deliver the last dragon egg to the Varden**, and it hatches for Nasuada*** or Roran****.

Everyone magically accepts Murtagh and Thorn, and all is well. The elves sing songs about them in their "language", which is actually a code, and the songs somehow rhyme in English, too. That would never happen in real life.

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Author's note: That's it for now. I will probably be doing more, but writer's block is rather annoying. By the way, I know I'm venting a lot.

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The footnotes:

* What on earth? Zar'roc is clearly Murtagh's sword. It belonged to his father, and it matches his dragon. Eragon needs to get his own. (Some Book 3 fics have this. I know it's not very common in 4s, but I put it in anyway.)

**Galbatorix would never have let them anywhere near the other egg. I doubt he even showed it to them. Murtagh was meant to have a red dragon.

*** Nasuada has been called "She who would be queen of the world" by Elva. This suggests that Nasuada will end up in charge at the end. It would be a rather bad idea for another Rider to be in charge. The only real reason people have her as a Rider is because they like the idea of pairing her with Murtagh. People are obsessed with romance in their fics. It's really annoying.

**** Roran is so completely not the type to be a Rider. He just wants to be a normal soldier, and take care of Katrina. He wouldn't want to outlive her.


End file.
